Sometimes the hurt makes us write

Bruce Howat, Author, Administrator, Director at MOTAT and Communications Director of The Story Mint, writes about an experience that moved him to write about his own personal journey and make observations on the private hurt some men carry inside, unwilling or unable to share.  

I recently watched a video clip on Facebook, about a father and the pain he suffered with limited access to his children after his marriage breakup.  Marriage break ups cause more emotional pain than a death, because I still see my ex-spouse for years to come.  The video, as one would expect, attracted large volumes of comments.   Aspects of the comments caught my attention and made me ponder.

Firstly, the number of female commentators who were surprised to hear so many males describe in detail the pain that traumatised them after the break up.

Secondly, the number of female commentators who were defensive about their handling of their marriage break up and the access to the children for the ex-spouse.

Thirdly, for the first time in my life, I heard my fellow males vividly describing the levels of pain they endure.  There were some who vented their spleens against their ex, but this group was definitely in the minority.

Through my life, I have experienced family deaths, significant personal injuries, watching my beautiful wife’s body gradually invaded by the unwanted illness, multiple sclerosis.  Nothing corresponds the pain of my previous marriage break-up.  Disenfranchisement from my daughters is a harshly felt, unbearable pain.  For many years, I cried myself to sleep, or found tears attacking, drenching with acute pain.  Time heals – it does not – it just takes more time to feel the impact of the reverberating memories.  The memories disappear quicker, thereby making it easier to manage.

My personal observation is that married women with children, very quickly bond because of the common experience of childbirth.  I have bonded with fellow males who have experienced the pain of disenfranchisement from their children after a marriage break up.  Yet I have never been in a situation where males talk about it – the pain is a taboo subject and one where the risk of appearing weak is high.  Robyn Skinner in “Families and how to survive them” talks about attraction and how we are attracted to others who have the same thoughts behind their protective wall within the mind.  I assume this is how I connect with my partners in pain.  It has in some cases taken years for me to discover they had a marriage break-up, but even when I make this discovery, no one talks about the personal impact of separation from their kids.

Ironically, for me, I re-married and became a step Dad.  I was determined my stepson was to always be connected to his natural father.  Yet, gradually over time, I became “Dad” to my stepson and he (of his own volition) distanced himself from his birth father.  They still communicate about once a year.  I love him as much as if he is “the product of my groins” as one friend described parenting.  Having this relationship helped me with my ex marrying again and my daughters having a new “man” in their lives. 

The Berlin Wall stands tall, rugged, jagged and barbed between my youngest, me – her loyalty is to her mother, and she is always suspicious of me wanting anything to do with her life.  I have very little to do with her children (I enjoy the children but the chasm between my daughter and I still hurts) but I have learnt to accept the reality of the situation.  My oldest daughter lives close and the grandchildren walk past my gate each day on their way to school.   I am vicariously living the relationship (I used to dream of with my daughter) with my grandchildren. 

The pain of missing so many milestone events in my daughter’s lives is real.  The video clip, for the first time in my life, liberated me to talk about a brutal period of my life.  The tricky problem is, not all men are exposed to the same video and carry their pain, bleeding profusely within them.

BRUCE HOWAT